Life is full right now. Very full. I'm sorry it's been a while since I last came here. So much has happened these last few weeks, months really. I'm not really sure where I should start and do I share everything or keep most of it to myself? Probably a little of both?
We were very nearly chosen to adopt a new baby...a brother for Kilian, due in May. They would have been a year apart, so close. It seemed perfect in so many ways. You can imagine my joy at this possibility. But in the end it was down to us and another couple, and the birthmother chose them. The outcome was hard, but it brought us some pretty weighty blessings....holy and beautiful graces, the real gifts of life and the best kind.
I was packed and ready to head out the door to visit my grandfather one morning. I phoned my dad who had been caring for him the last six months, to say I would be there shortly, when he told me he couldn't feel a pulse. I went immediately, and was able to kiss my grandfather before he was removed from the house. He lay there still, his forehead cold, but what a grace it was to be with him. Such a grace. My family has been here for weeks now settling his matters, selling his belongings, preparing the home I've known and loved my whole life for sale. It is just a home. They are just things. I'm not even sentimental. But this has been harder than I anticipated. My grandfather lived ninety-four years, full and accomplished, but as I sat by his bedside I only reflected how short life is. Even his. I'm still reflecting this. And I miss him.
I've been in and out of the doctor's office due to some strange things happening with my body. I'm waiting on results from blood work now. Please don't worry, the doctor insists it's nothing. I'm hoping it's something, however, so I can explain away the strange behaviors and the emotional rollercoaster ride I've been on for the last six months. I think my husband would like an answer for those things too.
We traveled to another country. A trip planned long ago, only now understood to be a needed reprieve from these highs and lows. I have been perhaps too emotional lately. But through all this I am being pulled closer and closer to Jesus. I have experienced the deep and profound joy only known through the cleansing grace-waters of suffering. Ann calls this the hard Eucharisteo. I hesitate to name mine this....in the scheme of things my little crosses are so very small, my blessings huge and innumerable. But I am beginning to understand the inextricable links of suffering, joy, pain, grace, purgation and....wholeness, in a very real way. And that submitting wholly to any and all He gives is wondrous.
Life in my home is very good. Perhaps more wonderful than ever from one perspective. I think the Lord is working change in me, the kind that can only happen through pain. Sometimes He takes us, His raw and formless slabs of marble, and He carves out all our imperfections with the cutting of the chisel, the tool which can really make of us a masterpiece. Parts of me are being chipped away now.....ideas, attachments, my clinging to safe and comfortable fault....and I am just beginning to see the woman He has wanted me to be for so long, and I want Him to keep carving because what is underneath the formless in all of us is more beautiful than we can possibly know.