I've failed many times this lent. Day after day, I've failed. Not only have I failed to keep my resolutions, my promises to God for forty days, but in being the woman He has asked me to be. Daily I have failed to love well, to sacrifice more, to give much and expect little. Last night I was asking myself, "Who am I and what good do I do that He sustains me?" I meditated that I rely too heavily on His mercy, which I don't deserve. I fell asleep discouraged and ashamed.
Then this morning I woke to this:
"Do penance: bury your negligences, offenses, and sins in the deep pit dug by your humility. Thus does the farmer bury rotten fruit, dead twigs and fallen leaves at the foot of the tree that bore them. And what was unfruitful, even harmful, makes a real contribution to a new fertility.
Learn to draw from your falls a new impulse: from death, life."
~St. Josemaria Escriva, The Way, 211 (ht: Kat)
I don't think it coincidence that this was my first subscription read of the morning. I'm not sure if last night's reflections were the work of true humility or the devil trying to creep in just before the Sacred Triduum, but again, He loved me perfectly. He saw my need and filled it.
9 comments:
What a beautiful post. Do not sell yourself so short. I love reading your blog. It inspires me. We all fall short, and we must all keep trying, one step at a time, one little bit at a time.
-Phyllis
I did not keep my Lenten resolutions very well either. The first week of Lent God saw fit to give me an additional Lenten cross to the one I chose. In my pride, I assumed it was an attack from the evil one. Discouragement crept in. My spiritual director said to not see it as an attack by the evil one, but instead as a different medicine from the Great Physician. It was very hard for me to accept this additional cross; I had such hopes for Lent! I wanted to carry the cross I picked out! I did not carry either very well, I am sad to say.
The quote you shared is very timely for me as well. I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and offer up a fantastic Sacred Triduum. We can rally, Kristen! :) Kathy
My Lent has been a series of chances to start over. You are not alone. But please realize how beautifully you impact the lives of your readers. I am sure I am not the only one who thinks I am a better wife and mother for reading your reflections. And I feel honored that you share so unreservedly and openly. I often feel as if I pale in comparison to you.
My Dear Kristen,
Thank you for posting this. I had a difficult Lent keeping my promises to Our Lord as well. I sat through our parishes beautiful Holy Thursday Mass this evening thinking "I could not stay 40 days with you Lord giving up something simple and yet you gave your very life for me. How unworthy am I?"
I came home feeling extremely restless and went to check my email and my favorite blogs and came across your post. It is what my heart needed to hear.
I am not worthy to receive the gift of My Lord but through Him I will be healed.
May you have a Holy and Blessed Easter!
I have been okay at keeping my promises but find that I overindulge on Sundays, instead of celebrating I'm just excited to have a break in fasting so I can get back to my vices.
But today was the start of what I hope to be a great Triduum! Thank you for your honesty. I just started reading your blog and will come back frequently, I imagine. You, too, are an inspiration to mothers:) Have a wonderful Triduum and and beautiful Easter!
In Jesus and Mary,
Elizabeth
Ah, Kristen, I feel the same way....when I come to read your blog:) Have a blessed Easter with your girls and husband!
Kristen,
What a beautiful reminder to keep God's grace always in sight. A great little ditty that keeps me from discouragement is, "To compare is to despair."
-Faith
such a beautiful post, I cried when I read it. I have had such a struggle this lent and still continuing... that I feel utterly broken. I can relate to what you said about failing to be the person you want to be on such a very personal level. I read your blog quite often and ALWAYS find it beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for your ray of sunshine to those of us struggling in the dark.
There are some very beautiful blogs by some amazing women that I find it is best for me not to read because they tend to tempt me to fall into the traps of comparison and despair. I strive to remind myself that none of them are perfect and that very often what I see is my own projection of what I think the blog author is rather than who she really is in the eyes of God. All of us are imperfect and all of us fall and struggle to rise again. I constantly struggle not to sell myself short just because I see only my own failings and others' virtues. It is good to have role models that inspire me to do better but not if they cast me down.
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