Last night while glancing through my reader subscriptions I realized how ashamed I would be in the company of most of the women I read. Some of my favorite blogs from which I take great inspiration in the way of virtue and holiness I can't even bring myself to comment on, knowing how short I fall of the author's goodness.
I've failed many times this lent. Day after day, I've failed. Not only have I failed to keep my resolutions, my promises to God for forty days, but in being the woman He has asked me to be. Daily I have failed to love well, to sacrifice more, to give much and expect little. Last night I was asking myself, "Who am I and what good do I do that He sustains me?" I meditated that I rely too heavily on His mercy, which I don't deserve. I fell asleep discouraged and ashamed.
Then this morning I woke to this:
"Do penance: bury your negligences, offenses, and sins in the deep pit dug by your humility. Thus does the farmer bury rotten fruit, dead twigs and fallen leaves at the foot of the tree that bore them. And what was unfruitful, even harmful, makes a real contribution to a new fertility.
Learn to draw from your falls a new impulse: from death, life."
~St. Josemaria Escriva, The Way, 211 (ht: Kat)
I don't think it coincidence that this was my first subscription read of the morning. I'm not sure if last night's reflections were the work of true humility or the devil trying to creep in just before the Sacred Triduum, but again, He loved me perfectly. He saw my need and filled it.