Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Why?

Recently in discussing infertility, adoption and our recent disappointments regarding babies, someone asked me how often I wondered "Why?" of God, and whether I was angry or sad. We had only a few brief minutes and so I replied with what first came to my mind, something to the effect of firmly believing there is another baby for us with whom we'll be blessed at just the right time.

But in pondering the question fuller later, the thought that kept coming back to me was this: It is not for us to ask "Why?" of God. We already know the answer. Because He sees what is best for us, and deals out only what will bring us closer to Him. We are so special and so loved by Him that He designs an original, unique Way for each of us. None of us has the same Way. And should we try to rid ourselves of whatever disturbs us or whatever suffering we endure, we will be ridding ourselves of The Way, the Via Crucis, and the only means to Him. So the real questions is, why would we want to be rid of anything He deals us?

Perhaps a better way to phrase the question is to ask "What?" or "How?". What do you want me to do with this, Lord? What do you see in me that needs improving? How will this bring me closer to you? Of course "Why?" can be asked in this same spirit of humility, with a readiness to accept God's will for us and a desire to embrace our cross. So I guess it isn't about the words we choose, but the spirit in which we are asking.

In the years before we had children I often asked the question "Why?" in a spirit contrary to holiness. "Why me, Lord?...."Why her and not me?"....and so on. But those questions never brought me peace, and they certainly never brought an answer. They only flamed the fire of my own self-pity, and brought on other ugly vices I'd rather not mention because I'm repulsed to think of them now. Today, every once in a while I wonder that my selfishness prevented me from hearing a calling during those years. I wonder how much of God's grace I missed on account of pride and self-pity, and coil at the thought that I didn't fully embrace His will for me.

Life is too short. There's so little time to waste. I don't ask those questions anymore because I already know the answer. It's a perfect and beautiful answer concerning grace to be had, virtues in which to progress, holiness and Heaven.

16 comments:

Mrs. 2nd Lieutenant said...

thank you for this, it is truly beautiful and holy reflection, esp with Lent upon us.

Sarah said...

Beautiful post. My heart and head often still ask the 'why?' and although it's not for me to ask, at times I still cannot help but let it fester and ask it.

Thanks for this timely post. One in which I think I need to ponder.

Grace in my Heart said...

Thank you for your beautiful reflection, Kristen!

As a new adoptive mother, I now see the good and holy blessings that have been given to me as a result of the cross of infertility. I look down at our beautiful baby boy and I'm actually thankful for this cross. :)

There is always a purpose to God's perfect and holy will and plan- even during the times we don't understand.

Paula said...

Oh Kristen, what beautiful thoughts. Thank you!

scmom (Barbara) said...

Very beautiful, Kristen. You are so right -- we will only find peace in accepting God's will. In good times and in bad -- seeing the truth in God's will brings us peace.

todaywas said...

Beautifully expressive, well worded and true.

doctorgianna said...

Thank you for this post! It was exactly what I needed today!

Beth M. said...

Kristen, your beautifully written thoughts would be just the right medicine for my best friend who has struggled with infertility. Her pain is so raw right now that I don't think it would be received very well, but I hope that some day I could point her toward your writing to help her through this time and bring her closer to God.

Ross and Jill's Blog said...

Thank you, thank you for this.

Marla said...

My husband and I have three beautiful children. For reasons I won't go into here, we were unable to have anymore. I spent a lot of time basking in self-pity about this. I came to realize that I was missing out on fully enjoying all the wonderful times to be had with the children God did grant to me. I finally came to truly trust Him with this issue. I am so grateful for your beautiful post here. I agree completely with what you have said, as I recognize myself in what you have written. God bless!

Jeannine said...

Thank you for your honesty and transparency, Kristen. I could have written Marla's words myself. What a holy perspective.

Gae said...

Dear Kristen,
You are truly giving of yourself in sharing these thoughts with others.
May you be blessed in many ways for your gift of sharing.
God Bless

amy said...

May God continue to pour out His grace into your lives.

When we have gone through times of struggle and uncertainty, I have often asked why...this has never brought me peace either. When I ask "why not me?", somehow it does.

Mary said...

thank you...today these are the words I needed to read...thank you!

Mrs. Mike said...

So so true. I needed to be reminded of this today.

Jenny said...

beautifully written. Thank you.