Recently in discussing infertility, adoption and our recent disappointments regarding babies, someone asked me how often I wondered "Why?" of God, and whether I was angry or sad. We had only a few brief minutes and so I replied with what first came to my mind, something to the effect of firmly believing there is another baby for us with whom we'll be blessed at just the right time.
But in pondering the question fuller later, the thought that kept coming back to me was this: It is not for us to ask "Why?" of God. We already know the answer. Because He sees what is best for us, and deals out only what will bring us closer to Him. We are so special and so loved by Him that He designs an original, unique Way for each of us. None of us has the same Way. And should we try to rid ourselves of whatever disturbs us or whatever suffering we endure, we will be ridding ourselves of The Way, the Via Crucis, and the only means to Him. So the real questions is, why would we want to be rid of anything He deals us?
Perhaps a better way to phrase the question is to ask "What?" or "How?". What do you want me to do with this, Lord? What do you see in me that needs improving? How will this bring me closer to you? Of course "Why?" can be asked in this same spirit of humility, with a readiness to accept God's will for us and a desire to embrace our cross. So I guess it isn't about the words we choose, but the spirit in which we are asking.
In the years before we had children I often asked the question "Why?" in a spirit contrary to holiness. "Why me, Lord?...."Why her and not me?"....and so on. But those questions never brought me peace, and they certainly never brought an answer. They only flamed the fire of my own self-pity, and brought on other ugly vices I'd rather not mention because I'm repulsed to think of them now. Today, every once in a while I wonder that my selfishness prevented me from hearing a calling during those years. I wonder how much of God's grace I missed on account of pride and self-pity, and coil at the thought that I didn't fully embrace His will for me.
Life is too short. There's so little time to waste. I don't ask those questions anymore because I already know the answer. It's a perfect and beautiful answer concerning grace to be had, virtues in which to progress, holiness and Heaven.