Our school days are full. They're beautiful. Learning is abundant, and new discoveries are treasured deeply by both of us. Reading, writing, number, faith, nature study, history, geography, baking, home-keeping, music, dance, art. We're persevering daily, with rhythm and regularity. I knew this would happen....I believed it could happen, with His grace.
Last year I struggled with thoughts that I wasn't good enough at this homeschooling thing. I worried that Gianna would fall behind other children, not from any deficiency on her part but from my own lack of discipline. The virtue of discipline, essential to education, is probably one of my greatest weaknesses. So naturally I would be concerned that without such a habit formed in myself, how could I possibly form it in someone else? I spoke many times with my dearest friend about my lack of confidence, and she reassured me again and again. Good friends are priceless.
The day after I wrote that post I had something of a revelation, or more likely a reminder of something I already knew. I happened to be reading the story of Saint Paul's conversion and remembered. GOD IS ALL-MERCIFUL. His love for us is so encompassing that He bestows graces we don't deserve in order to have us. He wants us for Himself, and for our own happiness. I suddenly realized if He could convert St. Paul, a treacherously sinful man who'd committed vile and murderous evils, surely He could convert me, His broken and sinful daughter. He could knock me upside the head, give me the virtue of discipline in an instant if He wished, or He could bless me with subtle graces over a lifetime to increase in me what is lacking. I knew then and there, that day. I was not alone on my path toward this virtue. I had a loving and merciful Father who would help me. And now, I had great hope.
I've prayed every day since then in the first hour of the morning, for more grace and more discipline. I'm growing. I see the difference in our days of learning. I'm persevering in ways I failed last year. I wasn't knocked upside the head - I still fail and have a long way to go. But I don't wonder anymore, whether or not I can do this homeschooling thing. I've stopped pondering (too much) that my faults are going to ruin my children. Every mother doubts herself. I now ponder on His mercy, on hope that He will fulfill in me what is lacking. Only He can. And I'm gonna keep asking.