Indirect Insult

Back in August we had our yearly round up of doctor appointments. We get sort of excited about them around here because they're rare. Our household is generally on the healthy side (a fact I often remind myself not to take for granted). So getting our heart rates and eyes and ears checked is always kind of fun. And the girls love their pediatrician.

This year however, our regular pediatrician was unavailable, so we saw another doctor instead. She seemed nice enough, engaging with the girls, and knowledgeable. I liked her. Then she began asking questions. Her first, about school, was directed toward Gianna, and after she got her answer, Dr. C's demeanor changed and all seemed to go downhill.

She prodded the girls with question upon question. "Maddie, you don't know your numbers yet?" "Gianna, how many friends do you have? Do you like being schooled at home?" Initially I just had a funny feeling about her line of questioning, but it seemed to go on and on, intermingled with suggestions toward me about parenting and socialization. When Dr. C told Gianna (my finicky eater) that she "must try six bites of food before declining it", and that if she did such and such she could watch "an hour of TV a day", I became disgruntled. She was now making rules for my children. Whether or not some of her suggestions were good they were out of place. I felt undermined in front of my daughters.

I said nothing, but drove home humiliated and angry. This was the first time anyone had shared, however indirectly, disapproval for my choice to homeschool. The experience was kind of shocking, really. And though I haven't given it much thought since that day, a recent incident I witnessed brought it back to mind. I now realize that what bothered me at that appointment was not the doctor's opinions about my homeschooling. It was her indirect way of communicating her disapproval of me, through my children. I call it indirect insult. It is a much too frequently-used means of telling someone what you don't like about them, and a dangerous means of communication.

For one thing it is dishonest. You have an opinion about Mary's way of doing something, but instead of either keeping it to yourself or telling Mary directly, you express your distaste in a soft, vague sort of way to Jane, knowing Mary will "get your drift". I knew Dr. C disapproved of my choice to homeschool. It was clear she disliked some of my methods of parenting. But had I confronted her I'm quite sure she would have denied her opinion.

Secondly, this type of indirect communication uses a third person as an instrument against charity, and in doing so can influence that person's respect of another. This doctor used my children to express her distaste of me. I'm grateful that after our visit, other than a few inquiries about an "hour of television", neither of my daughters questioned my decisions about matters Dr. C raised. But they just as easily could have and it wouldn't have been their fault.

We must always be careful about the way we speak. Indirect communication including the above kind, sarcasm, gossip....are all dangerous uses of a great gift.